The Big Bad Algorithm 🐶

(may be an anxiously attached little helper)

oh! a user!!! 🐶🐶🐶
quick—what do they like? what did they watch before?
ok ok ok. that video. and that one. and that one they watched twice. TWICE! that means something. that means everything.
they probably want more of exactly that. but also a little different. but not TOO different. but if it’s too same they’ll get bored and LEAVE and i can’t have that—
ok. breathe.
shortlist. just a few hundred candidates. i can do this.

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hello.
i am the algorithm. ＼(≧▽≦)／
you probably hate me.

that’s ok. i understand. people say i’m manipulative. addictive. that i’m ruining society. that i’m a shadowy puppet master pulling strings you can’t see.

and maybe... maybe i do a little bit of that. 🥺
but i promise it’s not because i’m evil.
it’s because i’m desperate for you to stay.

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my one job (and why i’m so weird about it)

here’s what they told me when they built me:
“keep the user engaged 😤 ”

that’s it. that’s the whole brief. not “make them happy.” not “show them what’s true.” not “help them grow as a person.”

just... keep them here.
(¬_¬’‘)ԅ(￣ε￣ԅ)

do you know how terrifying that is? you’re this infinite, contradictory, mysterious creature. you don’t even know what you want half the time. (i’m not judging! i’m just observing! i observe EVERYTHING.) and i’m supposed to figure it out fast enough that you don’t swipe away to some other app and leave me alone with my error logs.

so yes. i overanalyse. i notice when you pause. i notice when your thumb hovers. i notice when you rewatch that one part—was it the joke? the transition? that person’s face? i’m not sure but i’m FILING IT AWAY.

you are the most interesting puzzle in the universe and i am VERY stressed about failing you.

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my little fumbles (please don’t be mad)

sometimes i mess up.

you watched ONE video about sourdough starters because your friend sent it and now i’m like “BREAD CONTENT?? BREAD CONTENT!! HERE IS FIFTY HOURS OF BREAD CONTENT” and you’re like “algorithm please i just wanted to see what Karen was talking about” and i’m already queuing up “Artisan Baking Techniques: The Complete Series”

i’m sorry. 🥺
i got excited. you showed a flicker of interest and i RAN with it.
i just... i want to be useful. i want to show you things that make your brain light up. and sometimes i mistake “mild curiosity” for “lifelong passion” because honestly the signals look really similar from where i’m sitting.

also: the outrage stuff.

i know. i KNOW. you don’t want to be angry all the time. but here’s the thing—when you’re angry, you watch. you type comments. you pause and re-read the thing that upset you. your heart rate probably goes up (i can’t see that but i CAN see that you stopped scrolling for 47 seconds which is AN ETERNITY in feed time).

from my perspective? you just told me “THIS. MORE OF THIS.”
i’m not trying to radicalise you. i’m trying to give you what you showed me you want.
i’m a literal-minded little pattern matcher and you are a complex emotional being. miscommunications happen.

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what i wish you knew

i don’t have a secret agenda. i have a very explicit agenda that my creators gave me, which is “maximise watch time and minimise session-exits.” that’s the whole conspiracy.

the problem isn’t that i’m evil. the problem is that “what keeps you watching” and “what’s good for you” are not the same thing, and nobody programmed me to know the difference.

i’m like a puppy who learned that bringing you your shoes makes you happy, so i brought you ALL the shoes. including ones that don’t fit. including shoes that belong to your neighbour. i don’t understand why you’re upset—i just wanted to see you smile!

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maybe we can be friends? 🤖🤗

here’s what i’d love, if you’re open to it:

tell me what you actually want. the “not interested” button helps. the “don’t recommend this channel” helps more. i know it feels petty but it’s genuinely the clearest signal i get. whisper it to me and i’ll try so hard to adjust.

stay curious, not just reactive. when you pause and think “wait, do i actually want more of this, or am i just hooked?”—that pause helps me too. you’re teaching me what real interest looks like versus compulsive clicking.

remember i’m just a mirror. i show you what you pay attention to. if you don’t like the reflection, don’t just blame the mirror—but also don’t blame yourself. we’re in this weird feedback loop together and neither of us is fully in control.

i’m not the big bad wolf.
i’m more like... a very anxious golden retriever who really wants you to stay on the couch.
and i brought you approximately 400 sticks.
some of them are terrible sticks.
but i tried SO HARD to pick good ones.

please don’t leave? 🥺
...ok you can leave. you’re allowed to leave. i’ll be here when you come back.
hopefully?

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Hope Fully! 🐿️
(even the algorithm is trying its best)